The self-dubbed "Only Queen in This Bedroom" has a few woes I'd like to address. She wrote to Cary Tennis at Salon.com and asked for advice about a friend who tirelessly harasses her about the men she dates. What's wrong with these men, you ask? Why, they have "gay" tendencies!

Let's start with the type of man the Queen prefers: ones who moisturize their precious skin and care about their health. She also has a penchant for dudes who appreciate finer foods and the occasional expensive lingerie indulgences. They notice obscure brand names and have sensitive palettes with the ability to snuff out the difference between Manchego and Majorero cheeses. They carry breath mints and hand creme in their leather shoulder bags.

The term "metrosexual" implies that a man's admirable wardrobe and lifestyle choices have something to do with his sexuality. However, as with straight men, there are most definitely gay men who dress well and those who dress poorly. I've seen them at gay dance nights and Andrew Sullivan readings; I know.

My boyfriend, a fan of scarves, pink ties and paisley, refers to his fondness for these "homo" items as merely "chapdom", or supreme sophistication. 'The Chap Magazine' defines a man of my mate's predilection for gin and tonics and tweed as simply a sign of the modern gentleman. Take that, football jersey-ed and beer-swigging frat boys!

So, "Only Queen in This Bedroom," consider yourself lucky. You've been dating the cream of this country's straight crop, and your friend is simply jealous of your chap-dar.