Network: 
Yesterday's Oprah topic: "Wives Confess They Are Gay." On this rebroadcast of a show that originally aired last October, Oprah seems dumbfounded to hear her guest say that even though she's a lesbian today, she was boy-crazy in high school and, while married, enjoyed an active sex life with her husband. "You sure are a different kind of lesbian," Oprah says.
I happen to be that different kind of lesbian.
This week, when the beleaguered husband of Cybill Shepherd's character on the L-Word talks about Alice turning his wife into a lesbian after 23 years of marriage and two kids, he could have been talking about me.
And while I know that some of my gay and lesbian friends won't want to hear this, I wasn't born this way. I was an enthusiastic heterosexual most of my life. I was boy-crazy to the point of distraction. I never had a crush on a girl or camp counselor or teacher. When a friend in college begged to give me a back rub (I understand that this is a standard approach among lesbians) all I could think was: ewww. I had plenty of boyfriends, and then a fiance who would become my husband--for twenty three years.
When my marriage was at its nadir, my therapist encouraged me to flirt a little, just for fun.
"Who am I going to flirt with?" I asked her. "The only person who seems even remotely interested in me is another woman." I was thinking of someone at the soup kitchen where I volunteered.
"So flirt with her!" my therapist said.
It seemed like a bizarre idea but I did it anyway. Within six months my marriage was over and I was completely in love with a woman. A year later I knew I'd never turn back. Given the choice--and I do have the choice--I prefer being with a woman. I realize that there is tremendous political capital invested in the idea that we are born gay, but I am here to say that for some of us, it's a choice. Like someone who has chosen England over the United States, I'm a kind of expat.
Another of the Oprah's guests said: "It's not something I kept repressed. I never thought it was an option."
Bingo. That's my story too. Which is why I don't say I "came out." I prefer to say that I "signed up." I've tried it both ways and I like this way better. Turns out I'm not alone. Check out Joanne Fleisher's website for "married late bloomers."
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Wednesday 07 March
By Susan
You should post this on Joanne's board if you haven't already!
Every story is different. I have been out for 25 yrs. I thought I was straight too. My life changed when I fell in love with my best friend. I was blindsighted by the whole thing. I went through the I'm not gay it's just her stage. It is a process and a journey that forces one to rethink all aspects of their lives.
Thanks for your story.
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Wednesday 07 March
By adamblast
I often take a lot of heat on various political boards for suggesting that the mechanism which causes people to be gay may express itself differently in men and women. My own completely unscientific experience seems to suggest that homosexuality is almost never a choice for gay men, but that choice *does* often comes into play for women--that their sexuality may be more fluid then men's as a whole. Of course, since the *choice* issue is becoming increasingly politicized, we're beginning to see fewer and fewer lesbians actually admitting that they chose to be so--but it was once quite common to hear women yes, they chose to be lesbians, and are proud of the choice.
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Wednesday 07 March
By Julie
I'm surprised that Oprah was surprised. These experiences are congruent with lots of research about sexual orientation. Despite the flaws of Alfred Kinsey, in many ways his summation of the human experience of sexual orientation on a continuum is congruent with people's lived experiences.
In the lesbian community while many have been reticient to use the label "bisexual" it can be an accurate label over a lifetime of sexual activity. What we call ourselves, what names we give to our experiences is in many ways dependent on cultural constructs and what words and models that we are given to construct our own experiences.
Interesting post!
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Wednesday 07 March
By LTG
Brava for you, really. I am really sick and tired of people politicizing the "choice" issue. Ultimately the idea that we are born this way buys us nothing politically anyway. The assumption that if we can just prove we are all born this way, no one will discriminate against us anymore is a crock. The reality line is, some people are born totally gay, some are born totally straight. Many are somewhere in the middle and many could go either way and be happy given the right circumstances. I also agree with the idea that there are probably more women in the middle ground than men. However, this whole concept flies in the face of conformist tribal lines that say we can't help being gay, and is threatening to those who need such boundaries to feel secure. The bottom line for me is - who gives fig if it's a choice or not? Even if it were a total choice for every single person who was gay, we would still have every right in the world to choose it, and no one has the right to tell us we don't.
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Wednesday 07 March
By TrishComicMom
I completely agree about the choice issue. I chose to be married to a man. I like the idea that we all have choices. We do. Let us not forget!
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Thursday 08 March
By johnosahon
i am with oprah on this one, i am gay and have NEVER had any sexual feeling towards a woman, i find it hard to believe that you never had any feelings towards a woman until late in your years. that's amazing, i guess everyone is different.
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Thursday 08 March
By Red7Eric
I'm with Julie.
Unfortunately, "bisexual" is such a dirty word both inside and outside our community that most are unwilling to apply it to themselves. Bisexuals are often mischaracterized as slutty nymphomaniacs who continually "need both" in order to be sexually "satisfied" ... when the truth is, a bisexual is simply an individual with the emotional and sexual capacity to be attracted to both men and women, even if one is more attracted to one gender than the other, even if they form monogamous relationships (which, like most other people, most of them do).
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Thursday 15 March
By raine666
I believe that I have been gay all my life. When I was young I used to chase this really cute girl around the playground, catch her, give her a bear hug and let her go. (Come to think of it I still do that)
But my attraction to girls was only slightly greater than my attraction to boys. I didn't date in high school, but was still attracted to both boys and girls.
It wasn't until after having sex with both that I realized that sexaully I perfered women. Later I also realized that on an emotional level I felt more comfortable and compatible with women.
I don't see either of thoes as choices. That's just the way I think I'm wired.
But that isn't to say I did not make a choice. I believe that I could have lived a happily contented life as a heterosexaul wife and mother. But I chose not too.
It's different for everyone. Just as we are not divided between butch or femm, it only makes since that for some it's what they are and for others it's what they choose.
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