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Signing On Vs. Coming Out: Sometimes It Really Is A Choice



Yesterday's Oprah topic: "Wives Confess They Are Gay." On this rebroadcast of a show that originally aired last October, Oprah seems dumbfounded to hear her guest say that even though she's a lesbian today, she was boy-crazy in high school and, while married, enjoyed an active sex life with her husband. "You sure are a different kind of lesbian," Oprah says.

I happen to be that different kind of lesbian.

This week, when the beleaguered husband of Cybill Shepherd's character on the L-Word talks about Alice turning his wife into a lesbian after 23 years of marriage and two kids, he could have been talking about me.

And while I know that some of my gay and lesbian friends won't want to hear this, I wasn't born this way. I was an enthusiastic heterosexual most of my life. I was boy-crazy to the point of distraction. I never had a crush on a girl or camp counselor or teacher. When a friend in college begged to give me a back rub (I understand that this is a standard approach among lesbians) all I could think was: ewww. I had plenty of boyfriends, and then a fiance who would become my husband--for twenty three years.

When my marriage was at its nadir, my therapist encouraged me to flirt a little, just for fun.

"Who am I going to flirt with?" I asked her. "The only person who seems even remotely interested in me is another woman." I was thinking of someone at the soup kitchen where I volunteered.

"So flirt with her!" my therapist said.

It seemed like a bizarre idea but I did it anyway. Within six months my marriage was over and I was completely in love with a woman. A year later I knew I'd never turn back. Given the choice--and I do have the choice--I prefer being with a woman. I realize that there is tremendous political capital invested in the idea that we are born gay, but I am here to say that for some of us, it's a choice. Like someone who has chosen England over the United States, I'm a kind of expat.

Another of the Oprah's guests said: "It's not something I kept repressed. I never thought it was an option."
Bingo. That's my story too. Which is why I don't say I "came out." I prefer to say that I "signed up." I've tried it both ways and I like this way better. Turns out I'm not alone. Check out Joanne Fleisher's website for "married late bloomers."
'

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