The James McGreevey saga has more legs than Snow White and her seven little perverts. And the latest chapter in this gay epic will certainly not be the last.

In my fantasy, former New Jersey First Lady Dina Matos McGreevey would have gone up against Ellen or Rosie. Oh! The poetry! Oh! The irony! But sadly it is not to be. Oprah's producers have officially confirmed that they've bagged the interview of the year and the soon-to-be ex-wife of gay American James McGreevey will plant her tush on the famous couch and tell all about her queer hubby, Larry Kramer's new crush.

The date has not yet been announced but it will be "later this Spring." Mrs. Matos McGreevey will be promoting her new book, "Silent Partner"-- billed as "a story of a marriage that was anything but happily-ever- after, told by a strong and resilient woman who can, and finally will, speak for herself." The book is due out on May 1 and the author is already scheduled to sign copies and answer questions at Barnes & Noble on Route 22 in her hometown of Springfield, New Jersey, so it is certain that her Oprah appearance will occur before the end of April.

[Update: The March 29 "Philadelphia Inquirer" reports that Dina will do Oprah on May 1 and then follow it up with a two-part encounter with Diane Sawyer on the May 2 and 3 editions of Good Morning America.]



The New York Times estimates that there are between 1.7 and 3.4 million American women who once were or are now married to "men who have sex with men."

Now before you go all political over the "men having sex with men" phrase, you need to understand that for most closeted married men this is how they see themselves, not as gay. Identifying with being gay usually comes later. In fact, the night I came out to my own wife, I could not simply say "I am gay." The best I could do after several hours of struggle was to say "I prefer to have sex with men."

So, on the night I came out, November 14, 1989, Liliane Rothstein, my then wife of 18 years, learned that she was one of the 1.7 to 3.4 million women who was married to a "man who has sex with men."

When we talk about the closet, we rarely if ever talk about the wives, a remarkably selfish posture. Dina Matos McGreevey may be the first wifely victim of the closet to assume such a high profile position in the public consciousness and this will likely lead to a media frenzy on the subject--and it may not be all that gay friendly.

Dina and my ex-wife Liliane are certainly in heroic and courageous company: Constance Wilde (Mrs. Oscar Wilde,) Phyllis Gates (Mrs. Rock Hudson,) Linda Porter (Mrs. Cole Porter,) Renata Blauel (Mrs. Elton John,) and Queen Anne (Mrs. King James I of England, the gay man responsible for the King James Bible.)

The Times article, albeit limited in content and depth by the limitations of newspaper real estate, provided a damned good review, in my opinion, of how and why straight women and gay men marry. It's easy for us to joke about beards and cover stories, but in reality this sort of marriage is a complex and powerful human relationship that permanently changes the lives of both spouses and almost always involves a very meaningful and lasting love--with the obvious exception of the McGreevey's and other high profile public couples. I suspect that without the luxury of time and privacy, these public couples are never given the opportunity to dress the wounds and nurture what was usually a powerful and loving bond.

One of the most common questions I'm asked when straight and gay people learn that I was married to a woman for over 18 years is "Did you love her?" I'm always surprised by this question, no matter how often I'm asked. "Of course," is the answer. "And I still do."

For over 34 years (including 18 married years) we have loved each other deeply. We shared each other's lives, each other's interests. We enjoyed each other's differences and eccentricities. We laughed at life's absurdities. We fought side by side against so many of life's endless challenges. Sure, sex sucked but perhaps it's like being blind or deaf; your other senses are heightened.

In fact, The Times article discusses the complex nature of relationship love, noting that when the sexual aspect is minimized, oftentimes the other aspects are strengthened and enduring. The article also explains that even though one or both spouses may not know that the man is gay when they enter into the marriage, they are likely both aware on some level that sexual passion is not important to either one of them and this in itself provides a very powerful and unusual bond and safe harbor.

Furthermore, they share unspoken understandings and emotions that would not otherwise be possible, areas that are unknown to other relationships, unspoken bonds between a straight woman and a gay man that are undeniably unique.

THE COMING OUT CRISIS

When a gay man finally decides to come out to his wife, it's a moment he's prepared for, in some cases over the course of his entire life, but in all cases, he's worked up to it, he's had time to prepare for this new reality. In most cases, he's chosen the time and the place, he's rehearsed the scene many times in his head. Furthermore, he sees it as the beginning of a new life, a mentally healthier life (or so he hopes,) the pursuit of wholeness as a human being. He goes into it prepared and on his own terms.

For most wives, with exceptions like Mrs. Porter, Mrs. Wilde and Mrs. Gest, it's a complete shock. Within minutes, her belief system is shattered, her life is crumbling around her and her future has just become a gaping void.

But the fact is that in many such cases the gay man and his wife are best friends, sharing an emotional and intellectual bond that is often the envy of gay and straight couples alike. And in most cases, the gay husband finds himself playing two critical roles simultaneously: the man who has just shattered her dreams and the man who is her best friend and will do all he can to help her through the crisis.

Liliane and I took about three years to work through the most painful issues, disappointments and new perspectives, but some 17 years later, Liliane is my best friend, she's my family, she's my go-to person and, even after two boyfriends, she remains my "in case of emergencies" person. She's my living will person. I can't think of anyone I would trust more.

Perhaps one of the keys to understanding the enduring nature of this relationship is the simple fact that unlike my other long and short term relationships, my relationship with Liliane didn't go wrong and it didn't end because it was in trouble in any of the customary ways.

I can't speak for other gay men in this situation, but speaking for myself, I'd have to say that as politically incorrect as it might seem, closeted gay men who were married to women, despite the terrible pain and disruption, are blessed with a very special gift even though we speak little of it and often mock and condemn it as dysfunctional and broken.

In fact, one of the most extraordinary outcomes of the marriage, the coming out crisis and the subsequent post coming out relationship, is that it would be hard to find two people who know each other as well and have shared such an extraordinary and intimate experience.

And not only do I still love Liliane, but I don't regret our marriage on any level. It was an amazing relationship; sexually limited but nonetheless extremely important and beautiful.

When Katherine Hepburn as Eleanor of Aquitaine in The Lion in Winter (one of my all time favorite flics) was contemplating her own family history of adultery, incest, homosexuality, murder and betrayal she sighed and said, "Oh well, every family has its ups and downs."

Indeed they do. And Liliane and I have endured much over many decades; few couples are stronger.

I would hope that the soon to be very public "he said-she said" Matos-McGreevey war does not leave America with an ugly and false view of the millions of men and women who have struggled with a closet marriage and its aftermath, both the good and the bad.

One of the most distressing and complex aspects of the Closet for gay men and women who were in a straight marriage is the anguish caused to the straight ex-spouse by the "coming out" process.

Coming out for a married man or woman with any sense of dignity, decency and compassion is a process that must account for the pride, dignity, privacy and rights of an ex-spouse. It's one thing to speak publicly of the joys and successes of that relationship, but it is quite another to detail it's failures and problems--especially without the consent of the ex-spouse.

The new hero of gay rights, James McGreevey, in my view, brutalized his wife. His tell-all memoir and publicity campaign was a betrayal of Mrs. McGreevey. She was exposed to wave after wave of public humiliation and invasion of her privacy.

For whatever his reasons, McGreevey's book and his media tour took precedence over the feelings, privacy and dignity of his wife and children.

The media and the gay community have thus far given James McGreevey pretty much of a free pass on this. Hopefully Oprah and Dina Matos-McGreevey will address this travesty and bring some much needed balance and understanding to the James McGreevey saga.