Martha, Martha, Martha! Martha Stewart's become one down-a$$ chick ever since she spent 5 months at Alderson minimum-security prison for women known as "Camp Cupcake" or as I lovingly like to call it, "Camp Muffcake". Stewart straight up learned herself the ins and outs of prison life, and was even quite popular with the ladies.
In a post-jail interview with Howard Stern, Martha admitted to seeing the other jail ladies hump like rabbits. "So you never saw two girls getting it on in front of you?" asked Stern. "Oh yes," replied Stewart. "Not naked girls, but I saw them in the dark. They had trysts behind the buildings and the doorways." Who wouldn't be all hot and bothered after that?? And according to Stewart, the butch women liked her the most. Stewart also revealed she was a big fan of the Thumper vibrator, raving about the $1,200 version because of its wide variety of heads. (She never admitted to using it sexually, claiming the "wonderful tool" is great for basic massaging.)

Coincidentally, our favorite socialite, Paris Hilton, is doing a little time in the slammer herself. And if anyone needs some good advice about being jailbait, Paris Hilton would be #1 on the list. So what sex advice would Martha Stewart give Paris Hilton if she went to visit her in prison? Here's what I think their conversation would entail (please note I will be using speech from contemporary criminal culture. See the Prisoner's Dictionary for reference).

Martha: So I hear you're bumpin your gums in the big house, Hilton?
Paris: Dig this out, i'm in the dog house and

they got me double celled cuz I drove when my license was suspended. My bad.
Martha: Well, you gotta watch your back or you're bound to nut up or become an old lady, RB.
Paris: Weren't you a sissy when you did your skid bid?
Martha: I was a daddy, I wasn't no tack head, ya hear? You gotta work the corners or do your own time. Code 21 will keep you alive.
Paris: Well, with this cat nap, I'm a fluff while I'm here. I have the grapes on all the bull dagging chicks up in this joint.
Martha: That's my girl. You just remember, I'm your cheese eater now. Just watch your back when laying the track and don't be a monkey mouth or you'll be out there bad. You're pretty phat, so holla back when you're out and you can be my sister.

Paris has decided not to fight her sentence. I'm not sure if her talk with Martha had anything to do with it, but stay tuned to QueerSighted for updates on Paris Hilton's prison bit. Our girls on the inside have promised to send us the scoop.