The notorious and dreaded Gay Agenda Guerillas (GAG) launched a full frontal assault on heterosexuals today, targeting the crossroads of the universe during peak tourist season. With the cunning of Al Qaeda, GAG's lavender troops began their recruitment drive early this morning in the heart of New York's Times Square.

Once a beach head was established behind the United States Armed Forces Recruiting Station, the rest of the square fell like a Dick Cheney shooting victim.

GAG propagandists lulled the city police department and Homeland Security officials into a false sense of status quo with claims that it was nothing more than National Underwear Day and nothing more than innocent models peddling the latest fashions in male and female unmentionables. So sweet, so harmless, so cunning. As the world's most famous crossroads swelled with lavender troops, the assault was soon unstoppable. New York officials had been fabulously duped.

Unsuspecting heterosexuals from around the country, cameras and maps in hand, anticipated a carnival of neon, the world's largest Toys'R'Us, Hard Rock Cafe and the revival of GREASE. Instead they were assaulted by irresistible six packs, Ginch Gonch and bubble butts tightly wrapped in the world's most alluring cottons.

Shedding their camouflage button downs and khakis, the lavender troops donned uniforms of C-IN2, Diesel and Hanes. The Ginch Gonch battalion launched a massive frontal attack on ESPN headquarters just east of Broadway. A lesbian brigade camouflaged in their best L Word lipstick lesbian body armor stormed Sephora and burned all the girly shades to the ground.

A combined unit of blonds, brunettes and redheads took down the Good Morning America studios with a shock and awe rear assault.

With a take no prisoners policy, the GAG recruitment troops began spreading their fairy dust faster than Rosie hurls insults at Elizabeth Hasselbeck. Within minutes, young boys from Wisconsin were demanding Barbie Dolls, pot-bellied Bermuda-shorted dads from Arkansas were shoving their wives in front of moving buses and growling like bears. Confused and befuddled tourists from Wyoming were lining up for Chorus Line auditions.

GAG terrorists camouflaged as National Underwear Day public relations people, conned heterosexuals into the Homotron conversion machine with promises of free underwear. Tourists stood in the hot August sun hoping for a fresh pair of briefs but were instead homogenized.

The Times Square beach head may prove to be the turning point in the war to convert America to full queerness. As recruited men,women and children make their long journeys back to the Red States, the leaders of GAG anticipate that the gaying of America will at long last become a reality. Rumor has it that James Dobson fell on his flaming avenging sword upon receiving word that Times Square was lost to the queers.

The Battle of Times Square will join history's legends along with Thermopylae, Bunker Hill and Iwo Jima. Or maybe it was just another ordinary day in Times Square and this was all a figment of my imagination. Time will tell.

National Underwear Day 2007