I don't know about you but I'm fed up with Republicans stealing our stuff. They've hijacked religion, patriotism, national security, the constitution and gay sex. Ann Coulter claimed ownership of "fag" leaving us with wuss words like pansy and poof.

So?! What's left for us? Bad movies like Larry and Craig...or was that Chuck and Larry? I can't remember.

I never saw the memo, but clearly a Gay Sex Action Committee (G-SAC) was formed in the hallowed men's rooms of Congress. A decision was reached that fellatio was way too good for Democrats and real queers so a strategy was developed to hijack the man on man skin flute concerto.

G-SAC members likely included Bob Allen, Larry Craig, Karl Rove, Mark Foley, Ted Haggard, Matt Sanchez and only God and Jeff Gannon know who else. As a result, much as the Republicans have done for Christianity, national security and patriotism, they've given gay sex a very bad name.

The message is clear. Only Republicans can keep America safe for fellatio, male escorts, crystal meth and teen boy seduction. It's another Swift Boat campaign. What Democrat can fight back? Hillary? Hardly. She couldn't even compete with a fat Jewish girl or a cigar. Obama? The best he could hope for is $20 and oral from Bob Allen. And you know John Edwards ain't gonna let nothing mess with that $400 coif.

Thanks to Jim McGreevey we still have highway truck stops, but what's one ex-Democratic governor against a packed gay bar full of boy-loving, toilet-loving Republicans?

I for one am f***ing furious. I want my gay back! Now! And while we're on the subject, I think I want all that other stuff back as well.