I was incredibly honored when Queersighted editor, Kenneth Hill, sent me a story he was sure only I could handle. The fact that my editor would trust me with an important story after such a short time on staff was truly humbling. I opened the article with great anticipation. Let's see, it's called ... MTV's boundary-breaking sleaze? Wow, that sound's dreadful, but I'm still humbled, and appreciative. Let me read more before I judge.

According to LA Times.com, it's "a serialized bisexual dating show starring Tila Tequila, mistress of MySpace."

I stop reading momentarily to search for an old Xanax prescription. I'm back.

"Tequila will welcome 16 straight men and 16 lesbian women into a mansion, where they'll all live for a scandalous season while vying for her affection. MTV's first serialized dating program represents a big commitment from a network devoted to the short-attention-span crowd, meaning we can expect as much squabbling, back-stabbing and pansexual make-out sessions as 10 episodes can hold."

Oh, I understand now. Richard Rothstein has passed on this and Kenny hates me. Or, Richard passed and I'm the only other writer old enough to remember MTV's humble beginnings. That's why I got this story. I'll never forget the day MTV aired the first ever music video. It was just a guy with a Victrola and some sock puppets.



LA Times.com writer Swati Pandey continues ... "But Tequila's description makes it clear that the show is not so groundbreaking as all that. As she writes in her slangy, all-caps way:"

The show will be about me finding love as a BISEXUAL!!!!! THAT IS CRAZY RIGHT? ..... the only twist is that these guys and these girls have NO IDEA that I am bisexual and that they are competing against each others sexes!!! GUYS AGAINST GIRLS......WHO WILL I END UP HOOKING UP
WITH????? WILL I BE STRAIGHT OR LESBIAN IN THE END?????

Note to Swati Pandey: Writing in all caps is not "slangy"; it's something serial killers do. I might also point out that this girl cannot string a coherent sentence together. I do realize our President also has this impairment, but unlike our President, kids will look up to this Tila twit as a role model!

Wait! I think I have a handle on this story. Why would 16 lesbians want to duke it out with 16 straight guys over a woman with a ridiculous name, who doesn't know what she's attracted to, has had no apparent formal education and can't control the caps lock button on her computer? I have no flipping idea, but this is one heavily medicated, lesbian reporter who's determined to find out.

First Stop: Tila Tequila's MySpace page. I've now added a tumbler of Scotch to the mix, which will help me fairly assess her date-ability.

First Impression
She's seems to be athletic. By athletic, I mean athletic in the way that pole dancers are athletic, which I suppose the lesbians and straight men can both appreciate. Overall, I would describe her as "Asian Daisy-Mae-meets-Christina Aguilera".

Intellect
In Tila's words, "My show is about finding true love, because for me....having over 2 million friends is cool but sometimes it makes it hard for me to find someone real, and someone whom I can trust and love....."

I was immediately impressed that Tila had 2 million MySpace friends. I only have 20 and two of them are my nephews who feel sorry for me. The rest are just people hawking their porn sites. I quickly became Tila's MySpace friend number 2,000,021, just so she could trust me when I told her that an ellipsis is a series of three dots, not four to infinity. Also, five or more exclamation points is seriously over the top. You had me at three.

".....the show will be about me finding love as a BISEXUAL!!!!!"

Here's where Tila lost me. "BISEXUAL!!!!!"
I know this is not "PC" and will upset 4 or 5 of you, including my editor, Kenny, but I don't get the B's. We didn't have them when I was growing up. To me, bisexuals were just gay men in denial and drunk girls who liked to make-out with me at parties. I'm all about inclusion, but I'm working hard for my "special rights" and I fear you may be confusing the message. If you could just pick a team until we get some legislation passed, I'd really appreciate it.




"My new reality show on MTV will be like NO OTHER SHOW ON TELEVISION HISTORY!"

Wow! That's saying a lot, because there have been so many shows on television history. There was The History of Television, Television and it's History, Television History for Dummies and of course, the famous Ken Burns PBS documentary, TV: A History. She's obviously intelligent because she's following in the footsteps of Ken Burns.

Creativity
Yes, Tila's a poet and here's a sample.

Time is fading
Someone save me
I'm sedated I'm going crazy
Always felt like I Died a thousand times
My only escape is in my mind
Even then it starts to get tricky
The colors flutter slowly sticky icky
F**ked up inside
nowhere to hide
the world can see right through my eyes
Brainwashed
Abuse.
Torn
Confusion is born
Let the games begin
The game of life
Bring it on bitch

Where to begin? I'm impressed with the rhythmic variations and "snap" of the author's rhyming couplets. Kudos for "the colors flow slowly sticky icky". One can almost feel the sticky icky ness of the colors as they read. However, as a fan of Emily Dickinson (another questioning poet), I must protest Tila's glaring plagiarism.

From Emily Dickinson's Her-Final-Summer
Her final summer was it,
And yet we guessed it not;
If tenderer industriousness
Pervaded her, we thought
Bring it on bitch

I've seen enough to render a verdict. As a lesbian who cares about lesbians, bisexuals and straight men, I would advise all of you involved with the show "A Shot at Love" to .....RUN LIKE THE WIND!!!!!!

"MTV, meanwhile, gets to brag that "A Shot at Love" is the first bisexual dating show on a network not specifically targeted to the LGBT community."

Oh, I see. my editor, Kenneth Hill, wants me to write a story about the fact that the LGBT community is in no way responsible for this steamy bag of crap TV show, and gays are not the target audience for this half hour little shop of whore-ors. That's the big story. THANK YOU MTV!!!......THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!
As for my editor, Kenny, ..... BRING IT ON BITCH!!!!!!!!!!