Now you know how I want to die. That will be the headline on the front page of The New York Post, on October 23, 2048, the morning after my 100th birthday celebratory orgy. Expect that the story will report that I was found with a diversity of men by age, ethnicity and fetish. My preference would be death by drowning on dry land (take a moment to think that through,) but simple suffocation under the weight of it all is an acceptable alternative. This may seem ghoulish to many of you. Get over it. Death is inevitable and death by orgy is certainly preferable to most of the alternatives.

I used to think it was an unrealistic goal, but according to new research published in the prestigious New England Journal of Medicine, elderly and even extremely elderly Americans are much more sexually active than anyone imagined.

Among those 75-85, 38% of men and 17% of women reported sexual activity in the past year,

A urologist from Maimonides Medical Center in Brooklyn, N.Y., says men remain "sexually interested and active" into their 80s and 90s.

Estimates suggest more than 40 million men worldwide have been able to continue sexual activity into their later years because of medications such as Viagra, Levitra or Cialis.

According to the New England Journal of Medicine publication, more than a quarter of those up to age 85 reported having sex the previous year. Deb Choma, a nurse administrator for 17 years at an assisted-living center in Salisbury, Vt. told USA Today that seven years ago she found herself grappling with the realities of senior sex. First, there was the granddaughter who found her grandmother in a compromising pose with a gentleman resident. Then a 1 a.m. phone call alerted her to staff members finding that a female visitor had stayed over in an older male resident's room. They were discovered in the buff.



Now she asks new residents whether they are sexually active. Her new-employee training includes a section on sex. And Choma speaks at state conferences on "Sexuality in Long-term Care," including testing for sexually transmitted infections, such as HIV.

I'm both encouraged and discouraged by this news. Part of me has been contemplating a more sedentary old age than my penis may allow.

As I approach my 59th Birthday, sex has been very much on my mind.

My sexual thoughts fall into three categories.

1. Enough already, this is getting boring. You'd think that after a minimum of an estimated 52,560 52, 561 52,562 orgasms (I need to write faster) I'd be bored by now.

2. Oh crap, there I go again.

3. It's good for my health.

In fact, just a few nights ago, I was having a somewhat hostile chat with the boss. I was lying in bed watching 300 on pay-per-view and suddenly, uninvited and unexpected, the boss starts peeking over my belly demanding attention. "For God's sake," I say, "It's late, I'm tired and I'm pushing 60, haven't you had enough yet?"

As an aside, I hadn't yet see this infamous flic and I must say that aside from magnificent hunks in black leather jock straps, I was very much disappointed. Chi Chi LaRue should buy the rights to this movie and recut it into the hottest gay porn ever made.

Anyhow, back to the spat with my boss. So we stare each other down--except he's up--and he basically gives me the silent treatment, glares at me with his demanding one eye and quivers ever so slightly with expectation. I want to say no. I want to just slap him silly so that he'll leave me alone. So I do and he does.

And once again I wonder when will it all end. Aren't my hormones supposedly draining out of my back end? Isn't my libido distracted and demoralized by the ravages of time and repetition? Apparently not.

American culture had long ago raised my expectation that with aging comes waning interest in sex. Even though everything is slower these days it just means slower not less. To quote an old joke, I still suffer from premature ejaculation but now it takes an hour and 20 minutes.

Betraying everything we've learned from television, popular culture and the prejudices and arrogance of youth, researchers are now telling us that a third of Americans between the ages of 70 and 85 are still rocking the boat. And a full third of them are going down on each other. As I read this study, I could hear the boss enjoying a good belly laugh at my expense. Apparently I will not have all the extra time I'd been anticipating for crocheting, philately and decoupaging my walker.

In yet another new sex study on why people have sex, I find that I'm a bit off the charts. Now this may be because of age. The Why People Have Sex study focused on a much younger than me demographic.

The New York Times reported that although evolutionists describe the reasons for having sex as "to find better genes and to gain status and resources," most people when asked list very different motivations. In fact, according to researchers at the University of Texas at Austin, there are a total of 237 reasons why men and women have sex. Among some of the more popular motivations? Well, there are the obvious ones: desire, attraction and fun. But also high up on the list: cure for a headache, revenge, financial gain, to win a bet, duty, to get my partner's attention, cures insomnia, burn calories, return a favor, someone dared me and to end a boring or disagreeable conversation.

As one ages, however, motivation changes. I can't speak for other gay seniors but for myself, my own personal top ten reasons for having sex include:

1. Thirst and I'm too lazy to get out of bed.

2. I have an itch that I can't reach myself.

3. Protein masks are rejuvenating.

4. What do I have to do to get you to shut up?

5. Will you go home now?

6. Can I go home now?

7. There's nothing on TV tonight.

8. Men who have 2-3 orgasms per week have a 35% lower risk of prostate cancer.

9. The condoms are about to expire.

10. Men, an abundance of living, breathing men.

And therein lies the problem. Brace yourselves boys. It never ends. The urge goes away as you age only until the next hot ass bounces by. Sure, as you become more frail the chase becomes increasingly difficult-- but that's why canes have that hook on the end.