With my seemingly obsessive ongoing posts about High School Musical, you may think that I'm pretty much a one trick pony. But, as you may have guessed, I like to have as many tricks as possible.

There is something to be said, however, for latching onto a theme and running with it. In my plays, I seem to deal with coming out issues repeatedly. Perhaps I'm striving to get it right in art--since the process has been imperfect in my own real life. In these plays, the audience assumes a certain character is straight, but the character eventually comes out, clumsily in most instances and much to everyone's surprise.

For example, in Boyz of All Nationz: The Rise and Fall of a Multi-Ethnic Boy Band (2002), the very religious Hispanic member of the group, Jace, is changing backstage after the band's first big concert. An obviously gay fanboy named Joe sneaks into Jace's dressing room and starts gushing. Soon, gay Joe is trying to figure out which way his favorite boy band member swings.

Coming out to your parents is every lesbian's (or gay man's) worst nightmare. Can anyone really anticipate exactly how their parents will react? Are there some ways to come out to your parents that are better than others? I believe the answer to this question is "Yes". I would like to offer up these nine clinically* proven steps for coming out to your parents that will help them understand your "new lifestyle" with ease.

*based on personal results



Step 1 - Start Dropping Hints
By dropping really obvious hints to your parents over the course of time, it will help "ease" them into the notion that their daughter is a muff diver. Make comments about women on TV: "Wow, Angelina Jolie looks smokin' hot in that low-cut dress" or "What I wouldn't give to meet Ellen Degeneres, she's pretty much my hero" or "Ann Coulter is totally a repressed dyke in disguise". Dropping hints like these on a regular basis might give your parents an inclination that your refusal to wear dresses is more than just bad fashion sense.

Let's face it, ever since the days of Sapphos, lesbians have entered relationships at warp speed. The excerpt below is a passage from a poem written by Sapphos herself while living on the Isle of Lesbos at the time of Ancient Greece:

"but come--if ever before
having heard my voice from far away
you listened, and leaving your father's
golden home you came

in your chariot yoked with swift, lovely
sparrows bringing you over the dark earth
thick-feathered wings swirling down
from the sky through mid-air

arriving quickly--you, Blessed One,
with a smile on your unaging face
asking again what have I suffered
and why am I calling again..."

There's the age old running joke Q:"What does a lesbian bring on the second date?" A: "A U-Haul" and for some reason, all lesbians are guilty of going through this at least once in their dating lives. So what's up with lesbians and their tendency to progress in a relationship at lighting speed? Well, I've come up with a few of my own theories that I would like to explore here.

You love it, I love it, we all love 'The L Word', but you'll notice that the biggest gripe people have with the show is the writing. Same story, different day, right? Well, if you love the show and love to write than this is the perfect contest for you.



After the break, get details about the contest, and see my fantasy episode outlined.

Not only the story of my life, but also lyrics from the song, "Condi" written and performed by Maxine Lapiduss live at M-Bar in Los Angeles. Apparantly, Maxine has it bad for our Secretary of State, Condoleezza Rice. So bad, she wrote a "lesbian love lament to the Secretary of my Tortured State". Of all the celebrity lesbian crushes I've ever known of, this is by far the most interesting.

Condi, as Lapiduss lovingly refers to her as, lyrically expresses her love with such memorable lines as "Forget Osama and come to Mama", "Not gay, but hey, you're halfway there" and "Damnit girl, you're Condilicous" . I guarantee after hearing this song, you're whole view on political figures is going to change. Mine did.

The name Maxine Lapiduss may ring a bell to you. In fact, she's been making people laugh for years. Her stand-up act was featured in the documentary Wisecracks, and she has written and produced some of the most successful and ground-breaking sitcoms in television history, including

L Word, Season 5 is being filmed right now. this is my open letter sticky note to the writers and producers:

- Bring Dana Back: make dana's ghost a character that talks to alice every single episode. this alone will probably bring back 100,000 paying fans, easy. it can be funny, touching...amazing. DO IT. she can even help oversee the successful return of lara the "soup-shef."

- Bring Carmen Back...and have there be a love triangle between shane, that hot Terminator chick and carmen. and a threesome. you owe it to us after that c*ck-tease with jenny, marina & the french-canadian-"Alias" chick last season.

- stop insulting black people by giving Kit lines like "who dat?" its a sad day when i'm longing for the return of Snoop Dogg to represent us in a better light. you serious?? come on!

- make Helena stop time every 15 minutes during an episode and speak directly to the audience to tell us her thoughts on scenes shes in. hell, have her do it for scenes she's not even in! it can be done. you remember that 80's sitcom where the daughter was half alien and could stop time by pressing her pointer fingers together? easy enough. and it needs to happen, cause rachel shelley is effin' hot and we need more of her. we don't buy that shes become a wimp who can be manipulated by a 100lb chick with an addiction problem. she's helena-effin'-peabody. let her mom come back in the first episode of season 5 and give her money back. shes learned her lesson. i've learned her lesson. we've all learned her lesson. and none of us even had to turn to drugs or hooking to do it.

- have Tasha and Alice have a sex scene in every episode. its seriously like watching candy being made. hot alice and tasha taffy. do this, and i'll always be first in line at the L word county fair. keep tasha in the states or fly alice to the middle east. i don't give a frick. alice wearing a little army helmet cocked to one side would be super cute/hot. oh, and while you're at it, bring that vampire back and have her sit in a corner naked while they