I don't know about you but I'm fed up with Republicans stealing our stuff. They've hijacked religion, patriotism, national security, the constitution and gay sex. Ann Coulter claimed ownership of "fag" leaving us with wuss words like pansy and poof.

So?! What's left for us? Bad movies like Larry and Craig...or was that Chuck and Larry? I can't remember.

I never saw the memo, but clearly a Gay Sex Action Committee (G-SAC) was formed in the hallowed men's rooms of Congress. A decision was reached that fellatio was way too good for Democrats and real queers so a strategy was developed to hijack the man on man skin flute concerto.

G-SAC members likely included Bob Allen, Larry Craig, Karl Rove, Mark Foley, Ted Haggard, Matt Sanchez and only God and Jeff Gannon know who else. As a result, much as the Republicans have done for Christianity, national security and patriotism, they've given gay sex a very bad name.

The message is clear. Only Republicans can keep America safe for fellatio, male escorts, crystal meth and teen boy seduction. It's another Swift Boat campaign. What Democrat can fight back? Hillary? Hardly. She couldn't even compete with a fat Jewish girl or a cigar. Obama? The best he could hope for is $20 and oral from Bob Allen. And you know John Edwards ain't gonna let nothing mess with that $400 coif.

Thanks to Jim McGreevey we still have highway truck stops, but what's one ex-Democratic governor against a packed gay bar full of boy-loving, toilet-loving Republicans?

I for one am f***ing furious. I want my gay back! Now! And while we're on the subject, I think I want all that other stuff back as well.

The mainstream media, the queer media and the queer blogosphere are yet again in a feeding frenzy since last night over the Undying Monster From New Jersey. Say what you will about James McGreevey but he is unique in having made a sustainable industry out of coming out. When did this all start? I can barely remember. 1894? 1605? Anyhow, this latest foray into the headlines is somewhere in between soooooooooooooooo gay and way too gay.

Either way, it's delicious. I feel like I just downed a Four Seasons restaurant hot chocolate souffle, a box of freshly made Neuhaus champagne and chocolate truffles and a Frrrozen Hot Chocolate from New York's Serendipity Cafe. Yum. Just when I was ready to bet my eternal soul that the McGreevey Wars couldn't get any more ridiculous, they do.

It's proving to be a really bad week for blondes. Is it the way the hair color reflects the light denying the brain some vital nutrient? Dina McGreevey, who has had my support since the beginning of her journey as the First Beard of New Jersey, is suing queer Jimmy because, she believes, that by painting her with the homophobia brush he has damaged the sales potential of her otherwise compelling and illuminating book. Dina believes that the book buying public is shunning her tell-all because ex-hubby has smeared her as a homophobe--and, as we all know, Americans hate homophobes. For example, that's why no one buys any of the half dozen or so best-sellers books penned by Ann Coulter. Dina also claims that Jimmy called up all the queers--all of the book buying ones at least---and convinced them not to buy her book. Snap.

Celebrities and other public figures who hide in and champion the Closet enjoyed another banner week as the McGreevey Closet continued to spill its dysfunctionality and wreckage all over the "front pages" of our nation's finest print, online and televised tabloids making on ongoing mockery of the gay community. And then the head of the world's second largest oil company, one of the most powerful and influential leaders of the green movement, a peer of the realm, a British government insider and a pioneering business leaders tumbled out of his bloody Closet ending an extraordinary and exemplary world-changing career in shame, scandal and absurdity--simply because he lived in the Closet and has now been "shockingly" exposed as a gay man who enjoyed a bit of sexual diversity.

I remain flummoxed, baffled and bewildered by anyone who continues to "respect" the Closet in any way or on any level. British Petroleum's Lord Browne had every right to his privacy and to the Closet and as a result of this self-destructive and pathological behavior, his brilliant career ends in tasteless jokes (like the disgusting video above that is now making the internet rounds) wrapped in tabloids like dog poop.

After the break you'll find the kind of video that might otherwise have been his legacy.

Dina Matos-McGreevey's public relations counselors called an emergency meeting last night in the wake of ex-hubby's counter attack on their client's newly launched book tour. In the PR wars, James has once again pinned his ex-wife to the mat countering her mud-wrestling tag team spectacular with Oprah and Diane Sawyer by joining the Episcopal priesthood. Defying logic and the official pecking order of the entertainment world, God trumped Oprah and the close-ups are once again focused on New Jersey's favorite son.

Just when we thought the James McGreevey saga was old news, the last three weeks have been a roller coaster thrill ride of one-upmanship at it's very very best. In fact, as of today, Six Flags has announced it's intention to construct a McGreevey Mega Thrill Death Challenger Theme Ride in time for Memorial Day 2007 at it's central New Jersey Great Adventure theme park. The new McGreevey roller coaster will be located between "Medusa" and "Rolling Thunder".

Even the most jaded among us has to admit that this "ride" has been utterly delicious.

James accuses Dina of bad mothering. He claims that she's using their five-year-old daughter as a visual aid on Good Morning America. Dina throws the book at him. He retaliates with demands of child support. She unfurls inappropriate bedroom antics involving gay poster boys. He says art, she says gay porn. He counters with the announcement that he's so ethical he'll be teaching a course on ethics at a New Jersey college. She accuses him of forcing their young daughter to spend the night in bed with two gay men. He says she always knew he was gay but lusted for the power of The White House. She says he never loved her, lied to her and left her in state of shell shock. They both keep claiming that everything they do and say is for the children. She mud wrestles Oprah and claims that while James may have a spent time on his knees, it wasn't for praying. He retaliates by entering a seminary to begin training for the Episcopal priesthood.

Hence the Dina Matos-McGreevey public relations late night crisis management pow wow.

The James McGreevey saga has more legs than Snow White and her seven little perverts. And the latest chapter in this gay epic will certainly not be the last.

In my fantasy, former New Jersey First Lady Dina Matos McGreevey would have gone up against Ellen or Rosie. Oh! The poetry! Oh! The irony! But sadly it is not to be. Oprah's producers have officially confirmed that they've bagged the interview of the year and the soon-to-be ex-wife of gay American James McGreevey will plant her tush on the famous couch and tell all about her queer hubby, Larry Kramer's new crush.

The date has not yet been announced but it will be "later this Spring." Mrs. Matos McGreevey will be promoting her new book, "Silent Partner"-- billed as "a story of a marriage that was anything but happily-ever- after, told by a strong and resilient woman who can, and finally will, speak for herself." The book is due out on May 1 and the author is already scheduled to sign copies and answer questions at Barnes & Noble on Route 22 in her hometown of Springfield, New Jersey, so it is certain that her Oprah appearance will occur before the end of April.

[Update: The March 29 "Philadelphia Inquirer" reports that Dina will do Oprah on May 1 and then follow it up with a two-part encounter with Diane Sawyer on the May 2 and 3 editions of Good Morning America.]

It's easy to make glib remarks and snide jokes about closet cases, neo-conservatives and religious fundamentalists, but beyond the sarcasm and humor, we might want to consider that we have grossly underestimated the power and perils of the Closet. The entire subject may not be as funny or as inconsequential as we often make it out to be.

Are J.Edgar Hoover, Roy Cohn and Ted Haggard unfortunate aberrations or the tip of an iceberg? Are closeted gay men a significant driving force behind conservative, authoritarian and homophobic institutions and crusades? Are these men not the exceptions that society would have us believe but more the rule? I'm not saying that every uptight neo-conservative or Christian fundamentalist is a self-loathing closet case, but I am posing the question as to whether or not repressed sexual diversity is more pervasive than anyone would care to admit. And by anyone I mean friend and foe alike.

Closeted homosexual Ted Haggard waged holy war against the abomination of homosexuality. Closeted homosexual J. Edgar Hoover used the resources of the FBI to treat gay men as national security risks. Closeted homosexual Roy Cohn helped mastermind a witch hunt against homosexuals in Hollywood and New York because they were all likely to be communists. Closeted homosexual James McGreevey campaigned against gay rights.

Over the past few days more and more information about the "problems" at Ted Haggard's New Life Church has been leaking out. And as sketchy as this information is, the implications are staggering. You can read one article about this in the San Francisco Chronicle; but it's not the article itself that's so interesting, it's the reading between the lines part.

Boy oh boy, that little Jimmy McGreevey is just everywhere these days When he isn't defending little children from their evil mothers, protesting the wicked general in Times Square, or campaigning for gay rights with Bill Richardson in Arizona, he's demurely declining the crown of gay leadership from the grand pappy of gay activism Larry Kramer at the New York Gay and Lesbian Community Center. Sheesh! What a busy little boy with no agenda he is.

Am I the lone voice in a belief that former New Jersey Governor and openly gay American James McGreevey is subtly and cleverly slithering his way back into regional and ultimately national politics,--not gay activism as some would suggest, but prominent elected office.

His strategic attack on his wife, Dina Matos, demanding custody and child support of their 5-year-old daughter, just weeks before the release of Matos' own tell-all book is just too strategic to be a coincidence. McGreevey has set the framework for discrediting his ex-wife's criticism of her duplicitous closeted and politically corrupt husband through the implication that she is an unfit mother and dishonest about her finances.

As for his own political, ethical and personal malfeasance, McGreevey is carefully constructing a credible and powerful argument that as an out gay American he is morally and spiritually reborn and should be forgiven for his very bad behavior during the closet years. It's a good argument. It's a valid argument. And I very much understand and empathize having lived in the closet for the first 40 years of my own life. McGreevey is building a powerful and compelling case for a clean slate.