The gay football World Cup just kicked off a couple days ago in Buenos Aires, Argentina, but I felt in no way compelled to blog about it because I have no interest in sports. (Go ahead; call me "gay!") I mean, sure, I watch sports movies such as Friday Night Lights and Remember the Titans just like everybody else, but I usually just fast-forward to the locker room scenes.

Some cursory research on this year's World Cup, however, has led me to some interesting observations:

1.) More than 500 footballers (that's soccer players, for all you Americans, and, for that matter, gays like me) from 28 countries are competing through September 29. The list of all registered teams on the International Gay and Lesbian Football Association (IGLFA) site reveals that Iran is not a member of the organization and is not competing, which may just mean that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's claim that "in Iran we don't have homosexuals" just might be true!

2.) The slogan for the Mexico City team is "the ball is round for everyone." There are so many things I could say about that, but I leave this one up to you.

3.) Pointing out that gay football is just as aggressive as "regular" football, IGLFA president Thomas Gomez declared, "We gays are also very macho." In case you were wondering.

Brokeback Mountain was hailed as a breakthrough. At the time no one imagined that by breakthrough we meant a new polite way for idiots to verbally gay bash.

I really shouldn't blog in the evening when I'm tired and cranky following a day in the salt mine, but I'm of a mind to grab a baseball bat, hop on the Boston Shuttle and beat the crap of a few Red Sox fans. Relentless homophobia is really jumping up and down these days on my very last nerve. And even in the heat of a baseball game, no matter how much you may dislike the New York Yankees, gay bashing is disgusting, not funny and makes you look like a complete idiot.

I sat down at my computer to polish off some details on tomorrow morning's post and found an email from Greg, a 20 something reader and fellow New Yorker. I'm pointing out his age because young gay men who fight back are high on my hero list. I've done some editing in the interests of brevity and also because you don't need all of his personal details.

"The other day I was riding home [with friends] and I saw something that confused and then instantly offended me. A car passed by with a sticker that said "Brokeback Jeter" on the bumper, amidst many other anti-Yankees propaganda.

I asked the others, "'Brokeback Jeter;' is that supposed to be an insult?" Debbie says something along the lines of, "Yeah I guess for Yankee-haters. It's stupid, I bet that guy is probably a real asshole... yeah he looks like one!"

What the hell? Flashback to high school gym class 1999 when being gay classified you as weak and unathletic. Flashback even further to middle school 1996 when calling someone gay was an honorable insult. It wouldn't be so incredibly, discouragingly bad if someone wasn't making a profit by selling the slogan on things. In addition, I looked up the slogan online, and it seems "Brokeback Jeter" has become a common mocking nickname for the professional athlete and is visible on numerous sports message boards and the like.,

I know "free speech" vs. "politically correct speech" is the issue at hand, and though I know the people selling this crap will say they weren't targeting the LGBT community, it really does set us back for equal rights under the law. Furthermore, I ask you, sports fans, do you want give the impression that in the heart of every male athlete lies a chauvinistic, testosterone-drenched ignorant bastard? I can't believe no one has spoken up against this commercial gay-bashing. Alas, as I look over the horizon to the halls of Washington D.C., I realize I can believe it. Perhaps it's up to me? Guess I'll be making some phone calls to the HRC."

Not only do I understand Greg's frustration, I share it in spades. I suppose you can no longer shout fag, queer or pansy at a sports event without getting very dirty looks or being confused with Ann Coulter. So, the new and improved heterosexual sports fans with balls for brains have cleverly come up with "Brokeback Jeter." Kudos and may you--as my grandmother used to say--grow like an onion with your head in the ground.

As you know, I like a chick I can climb. I like all shapes and sizes, but I get really excited by the girls that are so tall, I have to buy special rugged outdoorsy type boots just to hold a conversation with them.

My fellow QueerSighter Richard posted about his favorite U.S. Opener earlier this week, and so I just had to share mine: 2006 U.S. Open winner, Maria Sharapova. She has a little bit of everything that makes my heart go pitter patter. She's 6 foot, really hot, incredibly successful and is an amazing athlete. And definitely not in that order.

I will be glued to my television starting Monday (August 27th) watching her defeat all of the mere 5'11"ers and 5'10"ers tennis players out there. Catch all the action on the USA channel and the bigger matches later in the tournament on CBS. Whenever you hear Maria grunt, think of me.

This is Maria winning last year's Open against current #1 seeded Justine Henin. Notice the focus, drive and athleticism...all while wearing a dinner dress and earrings. Gotta love that:

Every time Maria's on television in the next 2 weeks, I'm going to sing this song aloud and rejoice:

Won't you join me?

As a kid I admit, I would've wanted to pull my finger nails out one-by-one than play sports. It's not that I didn't have athletic prowess -- I actually did -- but sports just didn't interest me.

But they DID interest my two older brothers who were both jocks with a capital J. It was fairly common for them and the neighborhood kids to be embroiled in a heated game of touch football or roller-hockey in front of our house. By contrast, MY only experience with roller-anything was watching Jane Krakowski whiz by me as a choo-choo train on Broadway in 'Starlight Express.'

But I've recently learned to appreciate what sports do for me physically, mentally and socially.

Two years ago, I read an article in Time Out New York about a group called Ski Bums, where gays and gals ski together on fantastic and highly-organized outings, sometimes for a day (local), sometimes for a weekend (kind of local), and sometimes for a week (kind of in Europe). Everything's done for you -- everything! -- and all you have to do is show up.

Now, I had never, EVER skied down a mountain before, let alone put ON a pair of skis. But the article got me excited as I'd always wanted to learn how to swoop down a snowy mountain; the fact that I'd be surrounded by a new group of gays was icing on the snowcap.

The article also added that Ski Bums was holding a mixer (something, I would find out later, they often do in-season) at the Manhattan gay bar, Therapy.

That was it! I was going to go solo and feel it out! (My therapist at the time had long "challenged" me to go to a bar by myself; I was happy that this would fulfill that challenge.)

So, I sucked it up and went. And when I couldn't find the welcoming faces of the Welcome Table, I back-peddled and left. I was disappointed that I'd allowed myself to get so intimidated by a group of strangers, and I vowed I wasn't going to be intimidated again. Oh no! I was going to go to their NEXT mixer, through hell or high water! So two weeks later, I showed up at Therapy again.

This time I found the table, uttered a fairly feeble yet upbeat, "I'm new here so you have to be nice to me," and was greeted with a fun, friendly, outgoing bunch of guys. And any fears I might have had were wiped away in, oh, about 2.6 seconds ...

The annual New York City festival of lesbian speculation and gay lust for straight boys begins next week in Flushing Meadows. Yes, it's the 2007 US Open. It's that special time of year when we pray for wire service photographs of groin accidents, tight backsides and flying shirts revealing youthful treasure trails. And then there's the hot guys!

Two great American pastimes come together in San Diego today as the Michigan-based national law firm , The Thomas More Law Center takes on the San Diego Padres--actually that would be three great American pastimes: baseball, litigation and bigotry.

The fine Constitution-loving legal minds of the firm are furious that the Padres are "allowing a gay group to attend' today's game at Petco Park. Throwing salt on the red, white and blue wound, the Padres have even invited the Gay Men's Chorus of San Diego to sing the national anthem. Oh dear.

(Click here. Not the San Diego Gay Men's Chorus, but who cares. Listen anyway. It kicks ass. And after you watch it, join me in my fantasy of sending these guys as a singing telegram to the Tomas More Law Center lobby.)

The Thomas More attorneys are threatening legal action against the San Diego Padres' management for their brazen support of the "homosexual lifestyle" and--even worse--the mass recruitment of young boys to homosexuality. Oh dear oh dear oh dear.

According to the angry attorneys, the Padres will even be distributing brain washing "floppy hats to children 14 or younger...The Padres are playing the part of the Pied Piper leading unsuspecting children into the homosexual lifestyle as normal," said Richard Thompson, the law firm's president and chief counsel.

Remember that scene in "Election" where the younger sister is watching the girls' soccer team practice and it's like her utopia, cause she's a raging dyke?

Well take away the braces and add a little pigment, and that might as well have been me in high school. I remember looking out of the window of my Sociology class where I had the perfect view of our women's team (did we even have a men's team??). They'd practice their cute little hips off. All sweaty, in crisp white outfits (the o.c.d...see?) and they'd yell at each other, even when they were happy. Aah yes, I remember the yelling the most. Well maybe second to the jiggling breasts...and the giggling. The yelling, and the camaraderie and the a$$ slapping and my fantasies of what must have gone on in the locker rooms afterwards. Mmmm....

Quite a bit of time has lapsed since I started writing this post, what with all the memories. But what I'm trying to say is this: women's soccer does = utopia.

So imagine my delight when I found out that a new L.A. friend Vanessa--who's not from L.A., cause no one here is--is making a movie/documentary about the New Zealand women's soccer team. Her big sis is the captain of the team and they're one of the teams competing in the World Cup this September.

Here's a trailer for the still-in-progress docu about their road to world (cup) domination. The first time I watched this, I got goosebumps:

If...

There's nothing I like more than a good K-Y or mud wrestle between two or three hot, amped up lesbians. Nothing beats the sound of slippery boobs bouncing to and fro and the sight of K-Y cascading down long, lesbian limbs. Nothing, except pole dancing, that is. And world peace, of course.

Sadly, I've never been to a strip club. I hear there are good ones out there, and ones that cater to women on some nights. And you would think touring around the country with five Norwegian punk rockers those three summers, or even living in Chatsworth, California, the "porn capital of the world" for those two months, I would have made it to at least one seedy strip joint. But noooo.

So thank goodness there are places like Youtube to help me catch part of what I've been missing. And seriously, these pole dancers are so talented, you forget that stripping was ever part of the equation. Some of these chicks are past and present strippers, and some only pole dance for exercise and for my enjoyment. But whatever their story, I feel like every gay man must feel: whatever brought them to the pole, I hope keeps them at the pole!

I've done some research and here are some of the best pole dancers on Youtube...in order of how awesome they are and of how long I've spent drooling over them for the past few months:

1. Alena Downs @ polejunkies.com
(She's the ultimate pole dancer to me. She's 38 and has given birth to two children. Can you believe that?? For some strange reason, Alena does not allow any of her videos to be embedded. So you'll have to go to her Youtube profile if you want to see more. I suggest you start with this little number, with her freestyling to the song "Buttons" and then follow the path to her other vids.)

2. Lucy Misch
(The b*tch is British, wearing wings and...

Word is, the gay boys have a thing for Anderson. No, not the guy from CNN, not Anderson Cooper. It's Anderson Varejao who's causing guys to pop their jocks from coast to coast. And I have to say, I concur, y'all.

Just look at him -

Now, I'm not sure if guys like him because he reminds them of Sideshow Bob, or despite the fact that he reminds them of, you know, American Idol season one runner-up Justin Guarini. I mean, they've all got the same hair going on. Take that, Sanjaya, yours isn't the only coif in town.

I'll leave you, today, with this from Cavaliers Blog with Brian Windhorst -

"Over the last three years I've gotten e-mails from members of the gay community who have professed their infatuation with the mop-topped Brazilian."

You've got good taste, boys.

Windhorst goes on to say - "Female members of the media covering this series are all jealous of Andy's hair and have asked him about what products he uses. So I guess the only thing I can say about Varejao is, men want him and women want to be him."

You'll have a chance to see Andy in action tonight. Game 4 of the Eastern Conference Finals are on TNT tonight at 8:00 Eastern Time.

And while you're watching the check out the muscles LeBron James is packing. Um... just in case you're not sure which one he is, he's number 23. And, by the way, he'll be the best player on the court.


NBA Playoffs

Some television you watch because it's educational, for example, Sesame Street. Other television you watch, in self defense, just so you're not completely out of touch with your coworkers around the water cooler - Heroes, 24, or American Idol. And some television, you simply can't escape - Law and Order or CSI.

But, there's some TV that you watch for the sheer joy of it.
For me that TV is -

Footballers' Wives

Catch up on with Season 4 now, y'all because in June the Sparks get their kit on for

Season Five

Watch the UK version y'all, 'cause word is the planned US version starring Lisa Lawless, Ving Rhames, Brian J. White, Gabrielle Union, James Van Der Beek, Eddie Cibrian and Holly Robinson Peete which was set to air on ABC has been scrapped due to objections raised by the NFL.

So the score is, Footballers' Wives 5 - Football Wives 0.

More...

Football Wives dropped from ABC - via Anglophenia.

As a general rule, American men like their shorts long. Now, by long, I mean to the knee or even longer if they're baggy. Capri pants do not fall in the longer, baggy category. As a general rule, no man should wear capri pants. And as for short shorts, one word - NO.

It's not 1988. Short shorts were OK on men then.
The NBA loved them. Take a look at this vintage shot of basketballer -

John Stockton

What's that saying? Big Hands. Big Feet. Big _______.

Tall men running around a court in the shortest of shorts. What were they thinking? That was a wardrobe malfunction just waiting to happen, people. Perhaps, back in the day, there was shortage of material, and I just didn't know about it.

These days though, fabric is plentiful. Take a look at -

Tony Parker

If you're not familiar with him on the basketball court, you've surely seen him in the gossip pages next to Desperate Housewife, Eva Longoria. Although, personally, I say, if you can land a man like Tony Parker, there's nothing desperate about you?

Of course, fashion runs in cycles. And while I don't think you'll see them on the basket ball court any time soon, I have seen short shorts in stores, recently. Specifically at American Apparel. Which means should you desire, you can pick up a pair and start dressing like your junior high school football coach.

The look might catch on, and you'll be on the cutting edge.

For now, though, most guys are leaving the short shorts to Victoria Beckham and rugby players. And if you've seen any of those imported from France, Dieux de Stade Calendars, you know you're lucky if rugby players wear anything at all.

If you're a gay man like me, you've wiled away many a 3-5 minutes (well, more like 5-10 at my current age) perusing intensely homoerotic photos of Kirkpinar, the ancient sport of Turkish oil wrestling. In fact my inventory of provocative Kirkpinar photos borders on the obscene.

My history of reaping the benefits of Kirkpinar photography goes back to 1950s issues of National Geographic. How many of you looked forward to new issues of that "respectable" publication for reasons your parents never imagined?

Anyhow, it was during that golden age of intellectual development that I also discovered penis gourds and La Tomatina thanks to the prestigious and august National Geographic Society..

But enough with homoerotic food experiences like gourds and tomotoes and back to olive-oiled bears and cubs. So I wondered what YouTube had up its tight leather pants since I'd never actually seen a video of this delicious activity. Of course, YouTube had a bounty of options and in my explorations I learned once again that context is everything:

INCREDIBLY HOT:

INCREDIBLY FUNNY:

Once again, I was accused of not being a sports fan because I'm a big queer. This accusation really pisses me off. I love a good formation. I go wild for bases on balls. And who doesn't get all tingly over an over-and-back violation? How committed am I to spectator sports? Judge for yourselves. This nugget has been kicking around for a while, but huge sports fanatic that I am, I never grow tired of it. Sadly, Tom Brady wont' return my calls and I'm told there may even be a restraining order on the way.

Do you watch 30 Rock? Did you know that Elaine Stritch [not gay] will be on the show's season finale next week? But wait, there's more, Sean Hayes [also not gay, last I heard] will play Kenneth, the Page's small town cousin. How is it that Elaine Stritch and Sean Hayes [both not gay] ad up to the gayest must see television of the week?

Oh, wait. I spoke too soon. The NFL Draft is on next Saturday.

Just in case you haven't been following along, here's a clip about Brady Quinn from this years NFL Combine.

Hot. Masculine. Manly man stuff.
You've gotta love that!

Sports are so gay.

Those are my offical choices for the gayest television of the week. That is unless Larry Birkhead gets his own reality show. But, even if that were to happen, it wouldn't be on next week.

Do you know of some gay TV that I should be watching? Send me an email and let me know. Go in peace, and may Jonathan Rhys Meyers moon us all on The Tudors this Sunday.